I am feeling good. I feel as though this is taking me on a bit of a journey I wasn't expecting. I've started to question what I value and the way my mind works. Since I am not thinking about what I'm going to buy, I have time to reflect on different things.
Yesterday, on this thought journey... I had a small epiphany. I never believe in myself and my ability to achieve. I have such high expectations of myself and I never take the time to consider what achievements I have actually made. I think I have these mind blocks which cause me to never reach my full potential. I am always thinking I will fail, before I even try my best. I started running just under 12 months ago. When I first started I couldn't even run for 2 minutes without almost collapsing. Now, I am able to run for kilometers without stopping and am about to complete my first half marathon on Sunday. I never look back and see the journey I've taken with such amazing achievements. Instead I set these really high bars that I almost never achieve. Setting myself up for failure.I'm not entirely sure where that comes from. However 6 years ago, when I first started University, I was told by the flute lecturer that I was a failure at piano playing and that she could not see why they would have let someone in to the university with such a low skill set. In fact she told me that I should quit. Which I did. Ever since I thought I was over that moment in time. I thought I'd given up and I was ok with it. But I think that that failure of a dream that I had had since I could remember has deeply scarred me. Which I think is why I find it so difficult to complete tasks and to put my heart into anything.
This whole thought process started because I am terrified about this run on Sunday and I feel as though I will be told again that I am a failure and I won't be able to reach the finishing line. But actually, although it will hurt horribly, I think I can do it. I don't want to set any expectations on myself for time, just that I finish the race smiling and that I have fun doing it.
So... spending no money has freed up my mind and keeps money in the bank. Why spend money at all?
